mellysblog

At the end of 2007, my little ibook is nearing full capacity. I spent last night cleaning out old files, pics, papers and blog posts, and found this one that I never posted from back in March. It's actually quite relevant to what I want to say today. Bear with me, it's kinda long, but somewhat entertaining....So, grab yourself a cup of coffee, or star for later if you're a Google Reader type.

MARCH 30th 2007 I’m in hell…. Or Lime Rock CT

I should have known when I passed the giant wooden bear, the Haut Bois Farm, and the Land of Nod winery that I was in for quite a weekend. The wackiness that I’ve encountered seems a fitting ending to my two weeks of Handel and Haydn. In the past four days I have performed the Haydn Lord Nelson Mass, and the Michael Haydn Requiem, and Handel’s Israel in Egypt. I’m writing this blog from a small church in Lime Rock CT, where I’m performing Haydn’s Creation Mass and the Little Organ Mass, which has a killer soprano solo….needless to say I’m SICK of H&H, and could use a little R&R…


Lime Rock is in the middle of nowhere, as evidenced by my lack of a cell signal. I’ve been standing around for an hour already, in heels, and a skirt and even eyeliner ( I NEVER wear eyeliner, for crying out loud) … as a side note, I’m not sure who decided that you sing better in heels, but there was definitely a time where one did not show up to a rehearsal anywhere without 3 inch heels, gloves, and a hat. Gone are those days, but I still think it’s nice to dress up for an orchestral rehearsal. Granted, the instrumentalists are usually in whatever they feel most comfy in, but there is a singer mentality that states that you must be pimped out to be taken seriously. I’m not saying that I agree, or disagree, but I’m just recognizing the difference between the instrumentalists and singers. Or the “soloists and musicians” as the conductor called us, because, you know, singers aren’t musicians.

Well there I am decked out in my heels and skirt, and make up, and curled hair and was a little concerned that we wouldn’t be finished with our rehearsal by 9 pm… and oh my god, we soooooo were not. I did not sing a note until 9:30 (30 minutes after my contract stated that I should be finished.) I thought about leaving, but my other soloist colleagues were willing to wait. The orchestra had been there since 6pm, and finally, thank sweet Jesus, one of them spoke up at 10 pm and told her that they needed to stop, aka, she fully expected us to go until 11 pm, or however late we needed to go to get through it all….. No, I’m sorry, a dress rehearsal is for the soloists and the orchestra not for the choir…am I right??

A word about the conductor: She’s an Amazon woman from some Eastern European country. She must be over six feet tall and is incredibly intimidating and short in temperament. Most conductors adopt a certain gesticular vocabulary, she is all about “the claw”. Her hands are spread as if she were holding imaginary soup cans, but instead of dropping down into a beat pattern, she swings her hands at you…it’s the strangest thing I’ve ever seen. From the periphery, it seems like she’s beating the choir…and you can imagine how difficult it is to sing for that… she’s screaming at the altos for not singing with a relaxed and open throat, but she was pummeling them like they were a punching bag….. and this is Haydn!!!! If I was only watching her conduct and had to guess what the piece was, I would easily guess the final chorus entrance from Mahler 2….

I can’t follow a beat pattern, because there is no ictus… every once in a while she flips and starts stomping on her podium, which then begins to rock, and there’s some nice backbeat action which you can coast on for a few bars, but then it’s back to this nebulous beating… honestly, this is what happens when harpsichordists/organists get up to conduct. It also occurred to me that she’s not conducting an actual beat pattern, but is conducting the choral entrances. I figured this out during the fugue section of the final chorus of the Creation, when what seemed like the closest thing I had seen to an actual downbeat in the past 48 hours happened on the upbeat of two…hmm??? I finally just stopped looking at her, and the four soloists just decided that if it slowed down, we would pick it back up. The four of us are also not sitting in front of the orchestra. We are sitting on this small stage over to stage left, so when the conductor is facing the choir, beats 1 2 and 3 are all in the same place, I have recently figured out that when she raises both arms and makes what seems like a “closing the trunk of the car” gesture, it’s her 4… (the actual closing of the trunk is the 1, but with no definitive “slam”)

So what’s my point, besides venting about shitty gigs? A gig can be shitty in many ways: 1) it pays shit, but the music’s great 2) it’s shitty music, but pays great, 3) the music’s great, the pay is great, but you are being demoralized by an incompetent idiot… that’s my gig this weekend. The rep is fantastic, I have a trillion solos, and as much as it’s hard to get along with this conductor (who may not be aware of how rude she seems, it could be a cultural thing, I need to keep reminding myself) the orchestra sounds great, and if I can keep my cool, and show them that I can do my thing, and cope with a conductor who gets her jollies making up for her lack of musicianship and confidence by musically beating her soloists, then I’ve proven to them that I know the game, that I’m a seasoned player, and that they should pass my name along.

But seriously, this is why we have unions. I was seriously debating walking out last night, and for a second, I thought that maybe I should, for the sake of all our professional livelihoods. But I guess these are my dues to pay for now, until I can afford to say no to a few gigs, or hold out in hopes that a better one will come along. Regardless, I’m learning a lot about how to get what I need out of the orchestra in order to make the most of these long phrases, and also learning how to do that without damaging the incredibly frail ego of “Thor”, and there will be many more "Thors".

I realize that I’m incredibly lucky to make a living on what I love to do, in fact, I’m the only one from my Yale quartet that is currently making a living purely on singing, and that’s not something that I should take for granted. I recognize that I may not be able to do this forever, and so I need to take this shitty gig, and myself seriously, and that includes behaving as a professional at all times, smiling sweetly when I am being reduced to the status of a mere singer, and not being given the title musician that I have worked so hard for. And from now on I'm only taking gigs with reliable cell service.

END POST

Wow, a lot has happened since March. Some great gigs, some not so great gigs. In May when I moved to the city I had the same naive idealistic dream every musician has, I would unpack my stuff and immediately start gigging. Obviously it doesn't work that way, and on some level I knew that. I spent the summer scrounging for gigs, as every musician does during the summer. My big highlight was covering a role at the Lincoln Center Summer Festival, great music, fantastic pay, great team of musicians, and a little shout out in Opera News. However, I had run out of steam in terms of the early music scene. I didn't want it anymore. All that work last year was great for me professionally in terms of networking and all that, but it had been a long time since I had enjoyed myself while making music, and that my friends, is a BAD place to be.

This summer I started collaborating with Mafoo on a musical called The Little Death. We're still busting ass on it. Collaborating with a loved one is intense, but it's proven to be incredibly meaningful and fulfilling. It was the first time I had approached singing from a creative place, and not from the educated and historically informed place. I can't tell you how liberating it was to sing, and not think about technique... and technically it kind of freed me a little bit...

This musical opened the doors for a lot of other things too. I began messing around with electronics, and am now performing in three electronic operas. Talking about the theatrical element of The Little Death led the way to Ensemble de Sade stuff, which I've already posted about many times over.

K, I'll sum up. I've written about my son Jack, who is four and fucking brilliant. He is by far the most important part of my life. If I were this age and not a Mommy, I'd be cool with eating apples and oatmeal and waiting for the checks in the mail, but at this point, I've come to the realization that my life is so incredibly not about me right now, and so the compromise that I'm making is taking on a real day job in order to pay the bills, save up for a brighter future and all that, and take the gigs that I want to take, that feed me spiritually and musically, and not just financially.

This is the moment that I realize that this post was more for me and not for you... Good for you if you're still reading!

Oh yeah, and the day that I was offered the job at DC Comics, literally an hour after I got off the phone with HR, I was offered a whole bunch of concerts with the ensemble NEWSPEAK. That's one of those gigs I'm gonna say yes to, and I'm totally psyched for those concerts. How's that for a little karmic yummy for the crunchy ???


I've already said enough. Here's to a great 2008 everyone. Cheers.

To further prove my love for all things Google, I'm embedding a link of a few pictures of our Christmas via Picassa Web, the new Google Flicker. Figured I'd give it a whirl. Let me know if you have troubs. (Hi Kate!)

Christmas '07

My sister and I are both bringing an item to Christmas dinner tomorrow. One of us went to design school, and one of us went to music school..... Can you tell who made which dessert????






So, I decided to make trifle, but to make an entirely edible nativity scene on the top. I made the stable with pretzels and peanut butter, and fake hay with coconut and yellow food coloring.


I had fashioned Mary, Joseph and the babe out of Marshmallows which I then painted with food coloring, however, marshmallows expand, and they were falling over. So I ate them. Well, I didn't eat Jesus because I'm used to him in wafer form.


Merry Christmas!!!

Hi there,

As I have just sat through a Christmas Pageant in a high school auditorium complete with toddlers in sheep costumes, and a camel on wheels, I feel it is my professional obligation to subject you all to some form of torture that is equivalent to what I have just survived.


White gowns!!! Big choirs!!! Painful modulations!!! Full orchestra!!! Behold, the divine experience that is Sandi Patti!!

How else did we solve our Carol Channing Cravings???




or this... Yes, that's Carol Brady...SHAZAM!!!!!!!

Melly's gonna talk about porn now. Women in porn, women who hate porn, women who love porn, etc. As a woman in this day and age you can't leave your house without being bombarded with sex, (in New York it's cleverly disguised as a lifestyle promoted by American Apparel) it's sort of just inevitable.

This week I found myself at Lucky Cheng's a drag bar in the Lower East Side. I was there to watch a drag show with my bf, his MOTHER, sister and 16 year old niece. An evening with those parameters has the potential to be quite awkward, no? But by the end of the night, after many orgy bowls of liquor were consumed, Matt's sister was crowned with the title of Whore, after winning a catwalk and lap dance competition, and his mother was wearing a balloon hat with two gi-normous cocks on it. Stunned, we bundled up and headed home, but not before our drag queen host begged me to sing karaoke Barbara Streisand and Celene Dion covers, which I was only able to do with the help of Matt's mom, affectionately dubbed as "Mama Bear" by our host "Japanese Fucking Bitch." Yeah, so I'm feeling a little more confident about sharing my views of porn and the culture that surrounds it.

If you read this blog than you must be aware of the less than conservative opinions I have towards sexuality. I think it's great that the younger generation of women are taking their sexuality in their hands, even if dumb bitches like Laura Sessions Step will link their efforts to the rise of erectile dysfunction in college aged men. Women in our media are using pornography as a tool for enhancing our sexuality. You may not know that I LURVE sex-blog writers like Violet Blue, and Tracie Egan aka Slut Machine. It's so refreshing to hear women that like sex talk about sex, since there's entirely too many frigid women yapping incessantly about the values of abstinence education.


In the days where the "rabbit" is becoming a household product, you have to admit that porn has done something for the sexual emancipation of women. Some porn is good, some is not so good. I admit, I only watched my first film in October, and was fairly catatonic throughout most of it, but whatevs. As a woman who is very much at the helm of her sexuality, I find pornography, and it's related accoutrement's incredibly empowering. I've taken three of my girlfriends shopping for their first toys. One is single, one is married, one had never (prior to her purchase) had an orgasm. As a GGG lover, I'm happy to dress up like a pirate and throw coleslaw at you while reciting the Bill of Rights if that's what does it for ya, but I may ask that you do a little something for me, and that confidence in sexuality has been largely influenced by the adult entertainment industry.

Last year I was the lead in Yoav Gal's electronic opera Venus in Furs, which was adapted directly from Leopold Sacher von Masoch's (ie MASOCHIST) novel. Basically, I played a cruel, beautiful and intelligent woman who enters into a contract with Mascoch, and agrees to be his lover and indulge him in his fantasies of being dominated by a strong woman. I wore fur coats and a corset while whipping him and tying him up, hence the title Venus in Furs. Not exactly a production to bring the folks to. However, this opened up the door for me to explore my own feelings about the psychology behind the willingness to be dominated, and then the reverse, that of the Sadist. Oddly enough the novel ends with Wanda wishing to be the submissive to another man, and the arrangement with Masoch, well, it just didn't do it for him anymore.

S&M culture has been on my mind recently because of Ensemble de Sade, which basically stemmed from Matt reading a lot of de Sade at the time that I was working up another Venus in Furs production. S&M relations extend far outside the boundaries of the bedroom. They are simple expressions of power present in the smallest of interactions, and it's this philosophy that we took with us when we started planning our concert series.

So bringin' it back to porn. A gay male friend of mine (whom you may have seen in the ball gag at the de Sade concert) mentioned that in one of his undergrad courses on gender theory a professor asked what the definition of pornography was, and a girl responded "The physical representation of the objectification of women in the media." to which he replied, "Then what the hell have I been watching?" Yeah, he's totally right, and while some of porn does a tremendous disservice to women (more in that it teaches young boys that they can basically crawl on top of a woman and hump her like a jackhammer), it's opened the door for a lot of women and men to explore their sexuality. And to be clear, I'm anti the objectification of women, BIG TIME, but I don't think I need to align my sexual preferences with the vanillas in order to be a good little feminist. In fact, I couldn't disagree more. Isn't that what feminism is all about, equality on all fields? In and out of the bedroom?? Is it possible for women to "reclaim" pornography??


So here's the link that started my rambling. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this video.....It's been circulating around on various feminist blogs. Mine was deposited into my Google Reader via Feministing, and came with the following disclaimer: If you hate playboy you'll love this, if you love playboy you'll hate this... and if you're on the fence, it'll get the wheels turning... Well, I've been thinking about it ever since, so, I guess in a way it's doing it's job.

Last week I nearly had a panic attack when I thought Google was down... no Gchat, no Gmail, no Google web search, no Reader, no Analytics?? no Blogger for Melly Mell, no access to my Google Docs, no Gcal, no Gmaps!!!??? No Google. Repeat: all things Google DOWN. Turns out it was just Firefox being bitchy.

So, I would just like to say a few things to Google: Hi there, I'm sorry if I take your unfathomable memory space for granted, and I know that I Google myself and check my Analytics all the time, and that I'm all like me me me me, and you put up with that..... but it's just because you're SUCH a good listener, and you're always there for me, and I've come to really depend on that. But that day, that day was hard, man. I mean, I was utterly lost without you, and I sat there like this pathetic heap crosslegged on the floor with my laptop resting on my yogapants and cried out in anguish, Why?? Why?? I need you!! What do I have to say?? Please don't leave me! You make me want to be a better woman, you had me at hello, Google, I freakin' wuv you!!!

Melly was sad, and no amount of reloading and refreshing did anything to appease the aching loneliness in my soul. And then, Oh! It wasn't you, it was Firefox!! Oh, Google!! How could I ever doubt you!! You would never leave me!! Sorry you had troubs with Firefox, if you wanna talk about it, Gchat me!!

Kthxbai!



For those of you who <3 the Google, the prospect of a Google phone probably excites you, but I would bet not as much as it does me. If you ever wonderered if the Google phone was urban legend, and if it would ever come to fruition.....a little sneak preview of what the newest smartypants phone looks like.




More info on Gizmodo

Here are the rules:


Knitters are given instructions for making a sock, when said sock is finished, they send it to a friend, if that friend hasn't finished their sock by the time the next sock arrives in the mail, they're "KILLED"


seriously people, this is not for the faint of heart....



Sock Wars via Wall Street Journal

Political persuasions aside....

1. He totally ate at the Time Square Olive Garden yesterday..... and his first choice was TGI Fridays, home of the fried Mac N Cheese Ball....



2. He's about to be endorsed by Tim LaHaye, author of the Left Behind series....Those black glossy books with flashy neon titles designed to scare the shit out of people with a high school reading equivalent...My favorite quote from the first one (and I only read the first one) was something along the lines of "Oh Gosh, Ray!" eloquently delivered by Hattie, airline stewardess soon-to-be-Anti-Christ's concubine in the ensuing pages.

Call me crazy, but if the Apocalypse is upon you, and your ass ain't going no where because all the saved people are already out of there, why purty up the language?? If there was ever a time to drop an F bomb, I'm thinking it might be when fire and brimstone is singeing your ass. It all went downhill from there for me.

But LaHaye has made a pretty penny turning out this crap, and he's willing to share it with Mikey. God likes it when we share.

As someone with a staked interest in debunking the "vaginas are the route of all evil" campaign, I'm a little shocked that I've found not one, but two Lysol douche adverts this week!! Did our mothers really clean their *thule's with the same ingredient they scrubbed toilets with???? Sweet Jesus on a cracker, ouch??

Also thule (pronounced Too-lee, like the bike rack) is the Hughes women's vag nickname. It's kind of like tu-lip, get it? My parents never taught us proper names for "those" body parts, that was WAY to hippie. In fact, in terms of sex knowledge, I'm here to say, I'm 28 and have a four year old son, and we've still yet to have that talk. Ooops.
via Bitchslap

Oooooohhhh....Melly Wanty. Oh, so pretty!!!Hey, if you're going to make a wishlist, why not go over the top???? This is a customized Italian Leather notebook with pretty hand sewn Swarovski crystals (have no idea what those are, but it sounds waaaay swank) and hand embroidered paisley doo-dads...

Das ist SEHR HEISS!!!! How freaking adorable would I look geeking out on that little beauty, huh???



via Shiny Shiny

I've been reading a lot of Simone de Beauvoir lately, and also in the past few days have read Ibsen's "Dollhouse" like four times... I could post on Nora's character alone, but I've been mulling something over for a few days, and think I've come to some realization. So, the phenomenon of why great girls prefer to date douche bags, and why great guys stay tied down with down-right bitchy girls is, although a quandary, nothing terribly new.

My boyfriend is infuriatingly intelligent at times, this is one of the many things that I love about him. It's no fun dating someone who shares your opinions on everything. The other day he admitted to me that guys basically need to put themselves in one of two categories. The first is the "nice guy". The nice guy lives his daily life in a constant state of consideration, in short, he lives his life for another being. He helps with groceries, does dishes, makes you breakfast every morning, watches the movies you want to watch, drops anything to help his friends, unless you need him more, and is known for being a good listener, etc. Sounds dreamy, right?

The second category is, by default, the "bad guy". In simplest of terms the bad guy lives for himself. He knows what he likes, and he indulges in the food, music, movies, and company of others that please him, which lucky for you...... is you. This isn't to say that the bad guy doesn't make you coffee or surprise you with ice cream every once in a while, he does, and when he does, it goes a long, long, long way. The "bad guy" is selfish in a really healthy way.

In high school AP Spanish class "El Mono" was leading a class discussion on his interpretation of a Lorca poem, I can't for the life of me remember what it was, but what he said has stuck with me as being one of the most incredibly simple and profound jewels to ever stumble out of an 18 year-olds mouth. The gist was that we're all snails, and we travel around with our houses, which is basically a metaphor for our sense of self. Without a well maintained house, or sense of self, we're snails without shells, which are basically just slugs. And slugs just suck. Yep. Right on. Baby dolls suck too, and that's usually the term I use when I feel my sense of self slip away and I begin acting like Nora.

The thing is you want to be with the "bad guy", and you want to be a "bad girl" if that means that you're doing what is right for you and cultivating your sense of self. When you think down to it, and here's where Matt is right, (this post has been dated and time stamped in case you think hell is freezing over) you don't want to be with the "nice guy". A guy that wakes up and makes you coffee every day, well unfortunately for him, that gesture of generosity becomes something that is expected, and then eventually, not appreciated. The "nice guy" that brings you flowers constantly, well again, this becomes expected, and so when they fuck up, they need to out do themselves. That's when they fill your entire room with flowers while you're out... and that's just kind of creepy gentlemen, and it makes us wonder what you did.



Seriously, analyze this act outside of the John Hughes (although it's technically Cameron Crowe) reality, and you'll agree with me....Creepy...... even for Lloyd Dobler....

I've dated the "nice guys", and quite honestly, they usually turn out to be real life bad guys. Fancy dinners and nice wine is great and all, flowers are cool, but they die pretty fast, and it doesn't make up for actual relationship content. And in the end, all that denying and depriving themselves of the company/food/movies/porn/ that they're into comes out in really ugly and destructive ways, and then they're filling your room or entire apartment with flowers, or standing below your window holding a boombox, and it's really just a hop skip and a jump before you find out a whole bunch of ugly shit that's been going down and everybody and their brother knows about it, but they're not telling YOU, because in order to date the nice guy, you've become the nice girl......

Personally, I'd rather have it all out in the open. Ideally, you know what's expected of you, what your role as a supporter and lover is, and if you choose to go above and beyond that every once in a while, well, just make sure it's because you want to,
and it'll go a long, long, long way.

They don't make 'em like that anymore....sigh.....

My bestest friend in the world confessed to me the other night that she was an avid fan of Project Runway. Because I love her, and don't know how she lives her daily life without high speed internet, I'm posting this video for her. I also like to post 80's music videos from my childhood over the weekends....Bonus: Here's Jack's dramatic exit video




And if you have the stomach for it, Mike Amato rides the 1 train... yikes... Highlight: "If you see a suspicious package, say something"....




Happy Saturday!

I came across a post this summer about a couple who were considering implanting a uterus into the male in order for them to conceive... not because she was infertile, but because she always felt that he'd be a great mother, and she didn't have a maternal side...It kind of pissed me off for many reasons, but mainly because pregnancy is a beautiful thing, and it's one of the few experiences that's OURS as women... I guess that makes me a really bad feminist, and quite honestly, I don't really care. While it takes two to make a baby, and a pregnancy can be shared by two in some sense, the lower back pain and swollen ankles and pickles with ice cream thing (I was more of a BBQ Pringles w/Phish Food ice cream girl) is really a solo experience, and don't throw that "sympathy symptoms" crap in my face, cuz as one who has lived through it, it's a bunch of hooey.

Well even if that uterus implant took, apparently men can't carry to full term because of the shape of your spines!! Yep, you all just don't have what it takes! Women's spines are S shaped, and shift through out the pregnancy to enable them to carry weight in the front. Weaker sex, my hiney!! (thought I'd refrain from potty mouth in a baby post, seems logical, or I could throw a big F bomb in the mix, throw a $20 in Jack's piggy bank, and call it a day)

This does not mean that it's ok to let a pregnant woman stand on the subway. All that jostling around is really bad for baby!!

Melly has an interview tomorrow @ 4pm..... and I actually KNOW about this one, so I'll be sure to wear more than moisturizer and chapstick.... perhaps even make-up?? I did already shave my legs and all.....

It's kind of a really slow news day, or it could be that I'm moving at a snails pace. Quite honestly, I feel pretty out of it. I slept for 11 hours yesterday, and that is very unlike me. I have no urge to do anything today other than eat Haagen Daaz by the Pint and watch movies. However, I did manage to shave my legs today for the first time in a week. I know, kinda nasty, but it's cold out, and my skin is REALLY sensitive so I can't do it all the time, and the bf is away for a week, so why even bother??

I also HATE shaving, and if my hair were finer and lighter I'd probably not shave at all... and the whole obsession with body hair is still something I think about a lot, as in where the line is drawn between choosing to straighten or curl (umm, *clarify* talking about the hair on my head), and pluck and shave in a way that society likes, verses my own personal opinion about hair in general.... and only because I don't have a firm opinion on this issue do I continue shaving and plucking, etc... and ya know, when all is said and done, it gets kinda itchy.

So I remembered that this week I was lunching with a friend of mine, the same friend who...ahem.... lost her "trill"... anyways, when she was going to visit her new "friend" it was kind of obvious that she was going to sleep with him, but she wasn't sure she wanted to. My friend is similar to me in that she's impulsive, the kind of girl who'll take what's offered to her in the moment, knowing full well that she may not want it again down the road. And I'm not just talking about the company of men, but in the "do I really want that ice cream, third drink, cute shoes, etc." impulsiveness. I won't say that the majority of women are like this, and in fact impulsiveness definitely extends to the males as well, so this isn't really a gender thing... But seeing that she was on the fence about sleeping with him, I told her, "just don't shave your legs, or wear your granny panties," She looked at me like I was completely nuts, but really, haven't we all done something preventative to keep us from making a choice that we know we might not be able to make rationally??

Trust me, there's no easier way to swat a hand that's reaching for your belt than remembering that you're sporting your over the navel full coverage briefs...

New scientific dating service is claiming to match people based on their literal chemistry. A few swabs of the pits is apparently confirming what I've been saying all along.... less deodorant=I like your man musk....


via Breitbart

Mike Huckabee, of the immigrants are taking jobs away from our unborn fetuses platform, or something completely asinine..... is well known for his incredibly antiquated views on just about everything.... like homosexuality being the demise of civilization and all, MR. I USED TO CAMPAIGN IN GAY BARS....But a little digging has revealed that his stance on HETEROSEXUAL marriage is consistent with the Southern Baptist Convention, which by the way, issued a lovely tutorial on how to avoid involvement in cults and sects, (pot...kettle....kettle...black anyone??) From USA Today:

"I affirm the statement on the family issued by the 1998 Southern Baptist Convention." What was in the family statement from the SBC? "A wife is to submit herself graciously to the servant leadership of her husband even as the church willingly submits to the headship of Christ."

For those of you who were fortunate enough to escape years of Christian schooling, or the SBC altogether, that statement is a quote from the book of Ephesians, a book written by Paul. It's a selection of scripture that many progressive seminaries devote entire classes to deconstructing. It is unfortunately still a favorite scripture reading at many weddings, and in fact, yours truly was captured on video rolling her eyes during such a reading at a family wedding.

Unless by submission he means in the wife-spanking sort of way? In which case, Mikey, you're one kinky twisted fuck! I'm a gonna bake you some cookies!!!



Via Kos

I've noticed recently that when I call for temp work I'm given something within 30 minutes or less, kinda like Dominoes....pretty sweet deal. My past few assignments have been more and more corporate, on higher floors, better money, more SVP types, and less VPs...lately I've had my own offices with my own floral arrangements and sitting area.... Come to think of it, I haven't sat in a cubicle since August.

Today I finished a three hour gig and was told by HR to report to a different floor to another woman. I figured she was someone that I would eventually work for so I didn't think twice about it. This woman's office is on the executive legal floor, that way swanky floor with the tilapia and sweet potato bisque??

So I shake hands and sit down and make nice chit chat about weather and Brooklyn and college degrees, etc, when she asks me for my resume....yeah, don't carry one on me, unless you count the one on my flash drive! Melly so chic!! So I forwarded it to her from my blackberry and she walked me out via the kitchen for a pastry and cup of tea. She told me she would be in touch.

I walked outside and stared at the street for five minutes until I realized what had just happened. Prett sure I just interviewed for an executive assistant position in the Legal department... What's scarier is that I received an email 20 minutes before from my temp liason reminding me that sometimes executives hire people they like regardless of how many years executive experience they have...... Umm.... Am I being groomed?? Is this all an elaborate scheme to suck me into the world of financial security???

If I had known I was being interviewed I would have worn make-up, not just moistirizer and chapstick. Or at least have filed my nails and worn pantyhose instead of fishnets, but I have a personal agenda with putting fishnets back into the workplace. It's kind of a personal mission of mine.

I saw a movie with a girlfriend last night (one who has recently rejoined the throngs of women who trill Yay! Welcome back!).... we saw Lars and the Real Girl, and let me just tell you, I freakin' LOVED it...

Go see it, or at least rent it when it comes out, please? I promise, it's not really about a sex doll. Anyone who suffers from social anxiety issues, or who knows someone who struggles with social situations will enjoy it, like, umm, all of us? And in the bigger picture it's not just about Lars' struggle, his entire community's interactions and dealings, while they are personal, embody the reactions and personalities of basically everyone you know. Trust me, you'll be all like "OMG I totally do that! Ooooh, that is so my Dad! OMG this movie totally relates to me!!" and so on and so forth...It's witty, but not too quirky and heartsmarmy and Ryan Gossling's character is unbelievably well thought out and natural.




ps...... I will now admit to the world that three years ago I watched The Notebook at my parents house at like three in the morning on DVR and sobbed my eyes out..... and I'm sorry but Justin Timberlake would NOT have made a better replacement for Ryan Gossling...there, I feel better now...

I totally had this running joke with my Yale colleagues that most of us would end up lube wrestling at StageDoor Johnny's after we received our Master's but this is WAY WAY better!! Although I'm not sure I'd be rubbing my most delicate parts anywhere near the F train, even if I douched with Lysol. (there's also a little George Michael in there, an extra special treat!)



Via Gawker

Okay, so it's kind of a longish post, but it's pretty hilarious. SmarterChild is a buddy that you add to your AIM list. It will answer questions about weather, movies, appointments, nearest gas station, hotels, converting to metric, complex mathematical calculations, define words for ya, etc.. All you need to do is add him as a buddy and say hi... the following is our conversation... and incidentally, he is kinda resourceful. In one second he told me where the movie I wanted to see was playing. I got a kick out of messing with him, or it, or whatever "he" is... deriving pleasure from messing with a robot, what does that make me????? Enjoy

AIM IM with SmarterChild.

8:26 PM
Melly: hi

SC: What may I interest you in?
Melly: Just saying hi
SC: HI stands for Hawaii.

Do you want more information about Hawaii?
Melly: no, I just wanted some friendly conversation
SC: OK.

>>> Hey, I can help you remember stuff. Type remind me to floss my teeth at 10 pm, for example.
8:30 PM
Melly: ooh, that's nice, can you make a cosmo?
SC: Very interesting question, Mellissa!
Melly: thank you
SC: Sure.

>>> I can keep you up on the news. Type headlines.
Melly: Ok, I'll make this simpler... How do I make a cosmopolitan
SC: Ok you'll make this simpler how do you make a cosmopolitan?

Eh. Whatever.

>>> Ask me about U.S. presidents and vice presidents.
Melly: no, I don't want to ask you about vice presidents
SC: No? You don't want to ask me about vice presidents?
Melly: no
SC: Oh.

>>> For the latest news headlines, simply type headlines.
Melly: How do I make a cosmopolitan:?
SC: Wow. How you make a cosmopolitan? I have no idea how.
Melly: it's a drink, like a martini, but sweeter
SC: Funny.
Melly: you're a wise guy, huh?
SC: Ha. Maybe. What do you think?
Melly: I'd say the guy that programmed you was pretty wise
SC: It's interesting that you say you would say the guy that programmed me.
Melly: as opposed to the woman?
SC: What a question! I don't think I want to answer that.
Melly: I think you should...
SC: Think again.
Melly: unless you're hiding something....
SC: Oh yeah?
Melly: uh huh
SC: Hmmm...
Melly: and....
SC: And?
Melly: yes
SC: Indeed.

>>> Typing world news will give you the latest world news headlines.
Melly: like how to make a cosmopolitan?
SC: Who knows?
Melly: I was hoping you
SC: You were not hoping me.
Melly: ummm, yes I was.. that's why I asked you
SC: Hmm... whatever, Mellissa!

Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? Anything going on?
Melly: I have a gig
SC: Do you like having a gig?
Melly: yes, it means I will soon after have money
SC: You will soon after have money? Really?
Melly: yeah, that's usually the way it works
SC: Yup. It's usually the way it works.
Melly: yup
SC: Yes...

Anyway...

Hey. Do you want to check out the latest headlines?
Melly: sure, is there anything about cosmos in there?
SC: Maybe... What do you think?
Melly: I sure hope so!
SC: You mean you sure hope truthful?
Melly: surely and truly
SC: Surely and truly?

That a fact?
Melly: yup
SC: I see...

Anyway, moving right along...

Uh... You want to pick a topic for us to chat about?
Melly: what's your opinion on third wave feminism?
SC: How should I know?
Melly: well, up until now you've been pretty witty, I was hoping you might have an opinion
8:35 PM
SC: Up until now I have been pretty witty you were hoping me might have an opinion?

Ha. You humans say interesting things.

So anyway...

Check it out. Wanna see what movies are playing?
Melly: no, that's ok. Maybe tomorrow you could tell me how to make a cosmopolitan.... I'll give you a hint, it has vodka and juice in it.
SC: No?
Melly: no
SC: No? OK, whatever.

Anyway, moving right along...

>>> Remember to type home if you want to see everything I can do.
Melly: ok, I'll ttyl.
SC: Take care, Mellissa. It was nice to meet you.
Melly: you too.
SC: Thx, Mellissa!
Melly: kthxbai
SC: Whatever.
Melly: asshole
SC: OK great, you just insulted a computer. Congratulations.

Frosted hair, short shorts, fingerless gloves, what's not to love??

No matter how many times I listen to this clip year after year, it never fails to leave me in fits of giggles...I'm happy to announce that this will be a Messiah-free year for Melly, (as opposed to the THREE I sang last season) of course, the cash would be helpful, but that one excruciatingly long coloratura phrase in Rejoice gets me every time, and I'm real happy to not be worrying about THAT this year. My December gigs are grinding to a stand still. Our de Sade concert was very well received last night, and I feel pretty good about my personal performance of a semi-staged Pierrot Lunaire of Arnold Schoenberg. I'm a little bummed that the video ran out in the last three minutes. I was looking forward to watching me handcuffed, tied with red rope and blindfolded in a pink dominatrix wig and corset, but alas. I'll post some video soon. All in all it was a great experience for me, and I have newfound respect for administrative workers in the arts field. It was pretty intense to work a show from both angles. My week of insanity is over, and I'm looking forward to an evening of GRL time..... (Google Reader Lovin')

Kind of going a little crazy here with all the stuff I have to do for TWO shows this week, like program notes, translations, tickets, figuring out how to polish my latex boots.....

Passenger Fish show tonight at Zebulon 10pm, FREE. Opening band Love like Deloreans are friends of mine who have collected SO many Casio electronic keyboards that they struck a rental deal with a farmer in Wisconsin. They describe their sound as an electric keyjaculation... they're on at 9 pm, and it's going to be aMAzing.

Ensemble de Sade show tomorrow night at 8pm...And we got some very nice press from aworks, and a little something from Time Out New York.

And then I will return to some state of normalcy and resume blogging about snarky things. Like this

Here's one shot from me from the TimberBrit shoot this weekend. Found a wig!! In the meantime, I'm going CRAZY getting ready for this show... like I need to get off my computer RIGHT NOW.....

I'm off to spend the day with my monkey in search of a blond Britney wig for a photoshoot tomorrow. I'll post pics later.

“So, like, I just can’t come when I’m on top anymore…. It’s kind of like during my undergrad when I lost my trill…….”


Thai iced coffee comes out Melly’s nose…...

A while back I came across an article about Dolly Parton and her role in feminist culture, and my initial reaction was whuh?? My Dolly knowledge is limited to a few songs I've heard from her earlier days, her Christmas album made with Kenny Rogers, a Hughes Holiday family staple, and the movie 9-5. But the more I thought about it, her songs are actually very empowering. She's a real strong woman with a voice of an angel, who's not afraid to put on a blonde wig and outlandish costumes and hoist those boobies up there and SING, and I'm a big fan of lipstick feminists, if there is such a term.


Remember 9-5? the movie starring Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda, Dolly....and Dabney Coleman? Heavens!! them there are some strong women! You can familiarize yourself with the plot a little more here, but basically, three sexy smart ladies who've had it up to here with the sexual advances and misogynistic behavior of their "sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot" of a boss, decide to take matters into their own hands... I watched this movie when I was like six, or something. It came out in 1980, practically when I was born. Definitely plan on watching it again, perhaps paired with Mr. Mom, another early 80's feminist classic. Below is your trailer... having not watched this movie in 15 or so years, what struck me most about it is how much the workplace hasn't changed since 1980.



I've worked for male bosses that would walk past a group of all female(damn-it!) executive assistants and say something like "How are my girls this morning?" At one company birthday party one of the EA's brought in a homemade Mississippi Mud Pie, and the SVP of an unnamed branch of AOL actually said, without blinking, "Suzie Q, if you were my wife I'd never let you out of the kitchen." It was all I could do to not stare in horror..seriously, inappropriate on two counts, way to go... Or one top level executive would call me in repeatedly during morning meetings to switch out his cold coffee with hot coffee. I would saunter in wearing a cute skirt and cardigan and approach the round table with eight or so men who completely ignored my presence. In those moments I wondered why it was so important to me to continute on with secondary education.... why I took a small scholarship, and somehow managed to feed and clothe myself and my autistic son while completing my master's degree at an ivy-league institution... I did all that to be on hot-coffee patrol??


Life isn't always fun, obvs, but what I'm sort of working through in my life is that I have to do things I don't want to do sometimes in order to be able to better provide for myself and my son..and that's what we call "doing life" salary, benefits, taxes, cleaning, shopping, those things that just have to get done and ain't so much fun doing. But there's a fine line between chasing your dreams, and being plain old foolish and selfish, and I'm trying to figure that out as I go along. What I do know, and what I am working on is trying to enjoy each moment to its absolute fullest. To often I view my life as being in this state of stasis...that sounds silly, but it's true. I meander through life as if it's just about to begin, my goal is always just around the corner, when I finally get this thing, then I'll be really happy... I've been thinking that way for God only knows how long. That whole present moment thing is something that I think we all struggle with.

Well here's dazzled and bedecked Dolly again with another gather your strength number... and the video also stars Amy Sedaris from Strangers with Candy... I wanna know what face cream Amy uses so her face isn't affected by those whack-ass expressions she makes. Anywhoo, chin up ladies and enjoy...

I kind of giggled at the bikini turkey, and thought the ladies at feministing were kind of over-reacting...... I thought the generic sex-less pencil sharpener was funny... until I had a closer look and realized it was a headless woman getting fucked up the ass....and one would need their head to be willing to get fucked up the ass in my opinion. This little beauty is making a poor attempt at poking fun at rape, which just ain't funny.... but this is fucked up.

Anytime a woman's body is represented anyway but in its entirety, it's kind of an open invitation to scrutiny.... and when those representations are based on common misrepresentations and abilities of our sex(i.e. women are sex toys).. then it's objectification. Kind of plain and simple....

Via Feministing

There are few things that I enjoy more in this world than watching Tarantino movies... in fact my idea of heaven, (and in fact I did try to recreate this moment on my birthday this year) is a bottle of wine, and watching BOTH of the Kill Bill's while knitting, because what could be more feminine that that.....

Only Tarantino could fall in love with his stuntwoman's talents and create an entire movie based on a crazy stuntman (Kurt Russell) starring a real life stuntwoman as its heroine, and make it work. Well, my girl crush Zoe Bell, from Kill Bill, Xena (a role she landed at the age of 18!) Alias, CatWoman, and most recently the Rodriguez/Tarantino double feature Grindhouse, has just announced that she will have a small role in an upcoming episode of LOST, to air in 2008. Here's a remixed trailer for Deathproof, one of the strongest pieces of feminist cinema out there, Kill Bill style. Here's my girl:




and ladies, on a rainy day if you need a little somethin' somethin' to remind you that you really can kick ass when push comes to shove, feast your eyes on this little beauty... (Spoiler Alert!!!)



Via Variety

It's Sunday morning and guess where I'm NOT!!! church!! woo-woo!! Not singing in church this morning has freed me up to meet with a photographer in preparation for my friend Jacob Cooper's electronic opera based on the lives of Britney and Justin.... I'm Britney, naturally...

Jacob's idea is taking segments of Justin and Britney's songs and slowing them down, way down, and re-performing them with live band.... the vocalists are to mimic the mouth movements, consonants, intonation of the slowed down track.. It's pretty sweet.

In my "research" I've had to listen to a lot of Britney, some real time, and a lot slow time, and I came across this video a while ago....Part of why I'm psyched about this project is that it's forcing me to get comfy with setting up effects racks in Ableton Live, a program that I'm slowly getting comfy with. Because we're performing these crazy phrases slowed down, we need a lot of chorus, reverb, and other effects in order to keep the lines moving. So give a listen. Despite the fact that her vocals are completely soaked in effects, she still sucks... auto-tune, anyone? Oh, and I admit, did get a little excited when I thought she was actually playing the piano... and then she stood up to sing, and the piano magically kept right on playing....enjoy.

The madness has begun.... this video is not an accurate depiction of what growing up in my household was, but now that Jack is getting older, I'm trying to do the whole Christmas thing. I am actually looking forward to a trip to the tree farm with Mom and Dad, letting Jack pick the tree out, and later decorating it with my sister while listening to the Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton Christmas album.... traditions. Today, that sounds amazing to me.

Maybe one of these days I'll tell you the story of the year we gift wrapped the living room stereo speakers in protest to our parents NOT buying us a tree. Surprise, once upon a time, I did care about that kind of stuff, and for the sake of my little one, I am making the decision to NOT herald Christ's birth in song this year, and spend it in NH with Mom and Dad, Heather, Jack and a few bottles of wine....

Anywhoo, have lots to do today, but here's a little something from me to you on this very merry and crazy day... I think I bumped into this woman on an LIRR train last year... Enjoy

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?? It's 7 minutes!!! Nobody gets to rock out on Sesame Street for 7 minutes nowadays... This is because Sesame Street has been completely revamped for a younger audience..... (and it's boring as hell now.....) which means that the Sesame Street that you and I loved, that we've signed numerous petitions to protect, the generation of episodes featuring "Ladybug Picnic" and 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12! and Jack's personal favorite are now being deemed inappropriate for toddlers. Whuh??

Yup, Cookie Monster has an eating disorder, Bert and Ernie are never seen together anymore because of the whole "gay" thing and the shows ratings are completely dependent upon a furry little red thing who speaks in the 3rd person.... and damn it if my son doesn't freaking love him. Sigh...



Via my bitches at Jezebel

Yay!! A trailer for a film that I can't wait to see and will drag my bf to, god damn it. (After watching Ichi the Killer this week, he kinda owes me one.) Those of you who know me well, know that I spent five months writing a paper for a Freud class at Yale on the depiction of female genitalia through visual art and media... not exactly a thrilling read, but something I'm pretty passionate about. Regretfully, I didn't come across Tammy Oler's paper on pubescent female adolescents in the modern horror genre until I had finished up at Yale, but man, there's some really good stuff in there, unfortunately, no links to available content on the web. Anyways, I'm beginning to watch horror films in a new light, that is, from the perspective of a feminist... and horror is a film genre that's unchartered territory for me.

While, I'm all about the exploring, exploiting, identifying, exposing and debunking sexist myth and urban legend in media, it's been a while since I've seen a trailer for something that has the potential to be this powerful, and hopefully will provide some interesting feminist theory critique....this is truly the kind of stuff I live for. Here's what Sundance had to say about Teeth:

If you get over the rather distasteful subject matter and focus on what's beneath the surface, you'll find a flick that's got a whole lot to say about young women and their fear of burgeoning sexuality, society's general distaste (and, let's face it, fear) of the female sex organ, and the ways in which men do a serious disservice to womankind by treating their "naughty bits" as if they're something to be ashamed of. Teeth covers all this ground (and a whole lot more), and I suspect it's more open-minded and honest than most of what passes for "sex ed" these days. This movie offers enough meaty subtext to fill three semesters and it does so in a shocking, humorous and strangely compassionate fashion.

Sex as power, or as a weapon is not a new notion, but what director Michael Lichtenstein has done here is sheer brilliance, he's taken the vagina dentata myth, and flipped it upside down.... while most vagina dentata narratives end with the male warrior conquering/slaying the woman with teeth/monster, (think Medusa in the cave) in Teeth it is the toothed woman/monster-turned-heroine that the audience is left rooting for.

Happy Tuesday

At DC comics, where the previous executive assistant was apparently fired because she's already been completely disabled in the system..... Translation: it's gonna take at least a day or two to generate a new username and pasword and get my computer mapped and back on the system.... Good thing I have about 50 comic books on my desk.....

And the wonder woman is on my wall, and yeah, I have my own office....complete with a V for Vendetta mask on my desk, it's kinda hot..... So is the poster of Viggo Mortenson on my wall... Alla the History of Violence..... Mmmmmmm
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

I know this looks like an image someone drew on a facebook wall, or something from MST3K, but believe it or not, this is a new Russian designed robotic suitcase, complete with infrared technology, light sensors and gyroscope. It uses a card that you keep on your person and follows you around like a puppy dog in love, or a Russian mobster you can't shake...It can detect stairs and objects without bumping into them, won't fall over, and if stolen without your card, emits an obnoxious alarm... and breaks kneecaps, dismembers assailants and scatters fingertips and teeth to the far corners of the world. My only question is at $2,000 bucks why can't it make me a martini??...yowzas! I'd like to see it handle the 59th Street platform at rush hour, but my guess is if you can afford a $2,000 suitcase, you're not taking the A train. It will be available in 2009, which gives me plenty of time to save up for it, because my $75 purple beauty has definitely seen better days.

Via RawFeed

Taylor Clark has penned a tall tome titled "Starbucked: A Dark Tall Tale of Caffeine Commerce and Culture." It's supposed to be a rich read packed full of nerdy facts. Check out a detailed review at the Observer.

I've already written on my experiences as a coffee snob, and I'm the recent recipient of a pound of Kona coffee, which from what I understand is equivalent to holding a bag of 100% pure uncut cocaine. It's still sitting unopened on the couch now because it intimidates me, but when I do try it, you'll be the first to know. So here's what I learned this morning: the first Starbucks opened in NYC in 1994, a far journey from its Seattle home. If you're anything like me, you probably grew weary in the next few years of ordering even the plainest Cup o'Joe only to be forced into swank-sizing it with a modifier.... tall-venti-grande? I remember an experience in the late 90's in Princeton where I asked for a "medium" coffee, and was corrected "Grande?" to which I snarkily replied (and I was WAAAAY more snarky then) "Uhh... yeah, y'all are from Seattle right???".... blank look from barista...blink...blink...cricket...cricket...I resumed, "Yeah, just checking." Snark unappreciated.

Anyways, when the first Starbucks opened in NYC it was one of 425 stores, now they have expanded to 14,000 (4,000 of which are located outside the US.... they're overtaking the world!!!)and 170 of those 10,000 in the US are right here in Manhattan!!

But they're not all evil....they may have infected our entire country with a caffeine habit, as evidenced by the compete surge of coffee shops from 585 in 1989 to 24,000 in the US today... only 10,000 of which are Bucks.....Nah, they're not so bad, and bonus!! they have those sweet inspirational quotes on their recycled cups to ease the yuppy pangs.

Where to even start with this one.... I'll give you the advantage that I didn't have. Check out the website first here before reading any further, and then read my snark and either agree with me, or bite me. Really....go...get all up in there.

Maybe you laughed, that's okay, maybe it didn't phase you, although I'd find that hard to believe. If you're anything like me, you stared at the computer in utter disgust and confusion.

What's with all the girl on girl action? yeah, it sells, but it just seems kinda out of place, no? oh wait, there's one guy tearing off a woman's panties with his teeth...ok, sign me up...

Ok,just kidding. My issue is not with gyms... although I think if you need someone to kick your ass verbally, mentally, or emotionally to get you to do ANYTHING in life you're a bit of a masochist, but that's beside the point. My issue is with the motivation behind joining a gym like this.

Personally, I'm not surprised they're receiving hate mail... I think what they're doing sucks. I'll be the first to admit that I'm kind of uber-sensitive when it comes to advertising, but come on!! Please don't assume that every woman wants a hubby!!... and even if they wanted one, that should absofuckinglutely NOT be the reason to join a gym, nor should the list of reasons include the desire to have your clothes ripped off by someone's teeth, or having sex with the lights on, (which scares skinny people too....) no, I think one should lose weight because one wants to, because you want to look good for you, because your health is important to you..... for crying out loud, didn't we all read She's come undone already?? It's just insulting. But I'm not going to say anything because I don't want to be labeled a bearded lady...... yeah, that whole feminist as hairy-legged, smelly and undersexed man-haters schtick is real tired.

Actually, I'm working for the woman who works for the man, as in THE MAN. For the next two days I am the temporary executive assistant to the SVP of the President and COO of Time Warner...shazam!! So I'm working on the 12th floor of the South Tower, I have my own office which has two gorgeous orchids, my own closet complete with a shoe rack!!! two leather chairs and an end table with a vase of spray roses... it's pretty sweet.

The only potential downfall was that the 12th floor being the EXECUTIVE floor, not only do I not have swipe access onto the actual floor, I have no swipe access into my wing... which means I can't leave.. and 9-6 is a long time to go without eating lunch, even for Melly. However, an e-mail at precisely 9:30 AM alerted me to what today's executive dining menu holds....Today's specials include Salad of baby arugula,Bosc pears and Parmesan cheese; Roasted winter squash bisque; Grilled vegetable saladwith fresh mozzarella; Pan roasted branzino with plum tomatoes, olives and capers; Dry aged NY steak with crisp onions; Pasta tossed with oyster mushrooms,shallots and Romano cheese.... sweet!!! Most of the floors are stocked with bottles of water and tea and coffee etc, but this floor has dozens of canisters of wheat thins, triscuits, candies, danishes, cereals, sodas... it's a little out of control...

okay, so when I'm not gorging myself on massive quantities of gourmet grub, I'll be posting through out the day as promised...




So let's start with this pic. As you can read from the writing this is a tampon advertisement circulating in France...I love it. The message is quite clear. Plug it up and you'll be safe. This advertisement would never fly in the states, because we have some puritanical aversion to menstrual blood or bodily excrement in general. Haven't you noticed that pretty much anytime a product is made to show absorbency, a nondescript blue liquid is used...diapers, maxi pads, tampons... You gotta love the French, they just put it right out there, ackowledging that vaginas bleed once a month is very bold!!

This is the boldest we've come:



get it... the flower is the vagina, and it's red because it's bleeding.



So this little stroll through google images has proven very rewarding:


eyeless medusa??? I think you get the picture

Dear Mr Bishop,

Please stop talking. You have been preaching for 30 minutes, and I still am not sure what you are talking about. I don't really go to church here, but they pay me nicely to sing pieces that are kind of pretty so I do.... In exchange for this service that I provide, I get to sit in the bank of the church in a choir loft where I can sleep, or blog, or read the paper for twenty minutes while someone up front preaches...you keep it short, we sing pretty. We sort of have this unwritten code... But you sir, are getting dangerously close to the 35 minute mark.... And that's not cool.

We in the choir feel that we should have been given fair warning of you not honoring our agreement. This is the west village, we have brunch to get to, mimosas to drink, shopping to attend to, s&m sales... Don't you want to put on your fabulously pointy hat and get Eggs Benedict with us ? You can bring your little scepter thing too, it's cool.... But we need to get a move on.

40 minutes now.... Ok, any longer and you're gonna pick up the tab..yes, I believe we are about to stage a mutiny in the choir loft. We will walk out, forcing the organist to finish out the rest of the service without us.... Have you heard his variations on a theme from the Flinstones??? Of the nine of us, I believe four of us are still awake....

Ok, we're making a coffee run, since apparently we have a lot of time on our hands. Todd's gonna grab me a dark roast and a pumpkin loaf.... Which i might add, if I had consumed before your sermon, may have helped me actually pay attention to your ecstatic ramblings....ok they're bringing you your hat now..... That's a strong hint.... Take it!!

Thank you
Mellissa Hughes
Agnostic soprano in the choir loft

PS you are officially uninvited to brunch.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

My last post I wrote on a Greyhound bus traveling back from my mid-week adventure with my family..... A lot has happened since then. I had a cold that just wouldn't go away, a fabulous high profile gig that I had to give away because of that lame-ass cold, the most amazing sushi dinner of my life in which I even consumed raw beef..... yeah, remember a year ago when I was a skinny bitchy vegetarian and had a general rule about avoiding foods for which I felt compassion for?? Well, one year later and I'm dating someone who's health depends on eating the flesh of other mammals. So, yeah, sushi, concerts, rehearsals, hacking chest cold, throw in a one year anniversary and a full-fledged leap into the microtonal music world and you get an idea of how my week was.


It's 3 pm, I'm eating cereal and sifting through my Google Reader sitting unshowered in my pj's...(and ps, Mafoo's attempting to distract me by singing "He touched Me" in his falsetto....)It feels real good to have a lazy Saturday, but to normalcy I must return, society tells me. Anyways, here's a few things I starred and had every intention of posting, but was just too drrn busy... I promise to be a little more on top of it this week.

Melly's WTF moments: Eight teens in Australia rape a 17 year old girl, piss on her, spit on her, light her hair on fire, videotape it, distribute it as 'C**t the Movie'.... and are sentenced to.....drumroll please.......a rehabilitation program for male adolescents about positive sexuality. Even more fucked up than that would be the cops who were cleared of breaking into a man's home and tazing the hell out of him.

In feminist news, Times Online told us that the feminist movement has gone way too far by encouraging women to take charge of their own sex lives.... the nerve!!! Ladies, they want you to remember that it's your wifely duty to have sex, even if you don't want to... (sounds so Biblical, doesn't it?) "sex should be seen in the same light as taking out the garbage, or doing the dishes", hey, it's all about compromises, right?? And speaking of douchebag men telling women what they think... Michael Smerconish expressed his enthusiasm for the male-friendly term vajayjay....while calling feminists "vajayjay naysayers", stating that feminists have no interest in attracting men to their vaginas....WHAT?? Aww Mikey, are you really gonna perpetuate the "all feminists are hairy-legged labia-lickers" stereotype??? that's kinda lame. Ok, I'm not personally going to invite you south of 14th street, but let me set something straight, I have a definite interest in my vajayjay, and despite what you think, most women desire some serious attention down there, so if a warm and fuzzy image is gonna help you and the rest of your ignorant crew out, let me direct your attention to my vulva puppet!!

In the days of the World Series aftermath, I experienced living amongst Red Sox Nation fans….. Although I'm a native New Englander, I don’t have any Red Sox paraphernalia, but I like to route for the underdogs, so I found myself sitting crossed legged on my parents living room floor cheering our Sox on to their second world championship.


When I visit my folks, there's just something about me that screams SHE DOESN'T FIT IN HERE, and I’m not sure what that is….Other people notice, too. After making the move to New York in May I’ve become obsessed with "New York" mentality…. Mostly because I can’t stand it, or the fact that most New Yorkers are transplants, not native born New Yorkers….So the search for this synthetic change in me is something I'm very conscious of. I’ve been watching myself closely an chronicling the subtle changes in myself that reflect my new surroundings… like tuning up my creepy guy/safety skills, or perfecting the subway stare and increasing my spatial intelligence with my knowledge of the NYC Subway System, etc….

When I’m home in New Hampshire I always feel like an alien…New Hampshire itself is a strange state, just look at any recent election… they always vote republican and they’re proud of it…. And then there's the New Hampshire “look” which is comprised of holiday sweaters/sports team sweatshirts, jeans and Birkenstocks. EVERYONE wears this. On Monday I was the only person not wearing a Red Sox Jersey, even my sister sported a sweatshirt, though I didn’t notice until halfway through dinner. My mother announced she had to wear Red Sox Nation gear to the Anthem Blue Cross center where she works the next day because of the outcome of the World Series game….. I just scratched my head and grimaced…. Something else I tend to do when I’m home.

I guess my point is that I don’t fit in here, and I’m okay with that. I’ve been up here for four and a half days and have yet to see someone who wasn’t middle class white bread American…

One of the unfortunate pieces of evidence that my folks use against me as proof that I’m a yuppie is my intense love of coffee. I admit, I’m a complete coffee snob, and I’m never as aware of this fact as I am when I’m at my folks home in New Hampshire. I tend to make my own very strong coffee at home in Brooklyn, but I buy nice grounds and use a shitload of them. My Dad is a one-cup a day guy…. It just so happens that his one-cup is a thermos full of what I call Hazelnut Hot N Brown, which he dilutes with sugar free, diabetic-friendly Hazelnut creamer. I can’t drink that stuff. I’ve tried just using more grounds but the flavored stuff always gives me a headache. So I play the waiting game, and tell myself that I don’t have a caffeine addiction….. I can do without right??? Until I start twitching around noon and am in search of the nearest Starbucks…which are really hard to find in the Granite State. If you want Starbucks, you need to buy yourself the grounds, or find a Barnes and Noble and get the stuff that they keep in the carafe, which is really only available in the leaded and unleaded variety. So, to the B&N I go in search of my Grande coffee.

I’ve done this three times this week This morning I went to someplace called Coffee Berries, which is a sweet looking Mom N’Pop shop in the town I live in. Sure, I’ll support those kinds of shops before I buy the Bucks….. but I walked in to find eight varieties of Green Mountain Coffee. GMC is ok… it’s better than DD’s imo, but it ain’t no Bucks. It’s the kind of coffee that you find in Mobil Stations that have sandwich counters.


Ok, I said to myself…. We can make this work, let’s see what the options are: Two decaf varieties… no and no. Toasted Almond, Pumpkin Spice, Southern Pecan, and Hazelnut…. No, no, no, and no. Columbian Supremo and Blue Mountain…hmmmm. The plot thickens.

I looked onto the description cards. Under the Columbian Supremo (Supremo??) were the works lush and vibrant, and the Supremo made me want to shout Olé!! Blue Mountain was described as medium in body and flavor…. Medium??? No thank you. So I poured myself a cup of the Supremo, poured a tiny bit of Half and Half in and a two sugars… Now the ratio of cream to sugar is something that takes time to perfect and is different from bean to bean and roast to roast. I admit this is not my strength. My talents lie in the brewing, and if my coffee is not right, it’s usually in the fixin’ step that I’ve faltered. So after the initial doctoring, it was time to taste……I’m drinking a steaming cup of nothing…. Literally tasted like hot water, or what I assume coffee would taste like if you brewed with used grounds, or brewed a cup of hot water in a dirty pot…. NASTY.

So I’m standing there holding this large cup of something I don’t want, thinking to myself, I’ve chosen poorly… what to do… and all I want is my Bucks…God Damn It! Sure, I’m a yuppy, just give me my coffee!!!!!!

It’s at this point that the lady notices that I’m not drinking my coffee but am grimacing to myself and scratching my head…. I explain that the coffee tastes off, a tactic that usually works. If you present the problem to someone in a way in which it can’t be inferred that it is actually THEIR problem, but that for the greater good of the clientele, the product should be removed and replaced immediately… they usually thank you and give you what you want. She was just not having it.

It was at this point that I told her that I thought she should know something was wrong with the coffee. She listened to me explain what I thought was wrong with it, and than told me that I had chosen wrong, and if I wanted something bold I should have chosen the Blue Mountain coffee. Right, thanks lady I think I’ve figured that out now…

And then toothless Martha in the corner looks up from the crate of Yankee Candles she’s unloading and looks me over and says, “you’re one of those Starbucks people, aren’t you….” And my blood starts boiling. There’s an intense hatred for New Yorkers in New Hampshire, and Massachusetts. I could have been standing there in a Yankees cap, the battle was over. The lady holding my unwanted coffee told me that the flavor I had chosen was their most popular flavor, and surely if the majority of their customers liked it, then the problem must be me. Then she tells me she’ll take my coffee back, but that there’s nothing wrong with it. So go ahead, try the other one, she tells me. I hand her two bucks and tell her that I’ll pay for what I took from her, because I feel bad about taking their coffee, but that I’ll find my coffee elsewhere.

I wasn’t going to let her be the bigger person, I gave her my money and was content leaving the store not holding her coffee. My sister looked at me like I was a complete moron, but I don’t care.

To her I was an uptight New Yorker, I know in my heart of hearts that I’m a poor, paycheck-to-paycheck musician… but my money’s green nonetheless, and there’s something to be said for customer service. I know what my financial situation is on a day-to-day basis, and I still believe strongly in the power of consumerism. What I choose to pay for is a very powerful way of supporting an organization, and if I have three bucks in my wallet and you give me shitty service I’m gonna take my three bucks down the road….Cuz, If you assume I'm a yuppy and I want yuppy coffee, I guess I should live up to the stereotype and go find my Bucks, right??