mellysblog

Hill's Star Spencer Pratt is being given his own advice column in the April issue of Radar.... my issue (so far) is not with Spencer, but with the toolbox they have given the "honor" of being the first "Yo Spencer" contributor:

Yo Spencer, So...I really dig this girl, and like, I want her to get me to sleep with her, but like, she just won't. We've already hung out, like, twice, and BOTH TIMES she wouldn't give it up. It's like, bitch, please! I took her to freakin' Baja Fresh AND got her a frozen yogurt. What more does she want!?!? What am I supposed to freakin' do, dude!?!? BEG!?!? Help a bro' out. Word Mike Laguna Beach, CA.

I'm assuming Mike is fake, but after watching an hour of something even trashier than Judge Judy yesterday, I've discovered two things: 1) I enjoy slumming it in vacuous trash occasionally, and 2) I want an advice column!!! I think a Dear Melly feature would be a nice addition to Mellysblog, don't you??? I thought so:

Dearest Mike,
Wow, Baja Fresh AND a frozen yogurt?? what a cock tease! Or perhaps she just saw you for the shallow Laguna Beach sack of shit you really are. Dude, it sounds trite, but she's just not that into you. If she wanted to jump your bones she would have given you some sign by now. Somethings holding her back and my inkling is that it has nothing to do with frozen yogurt. A girl, much like a lot of guys I know, never wants to feel expected to perform or reciprocate generosity on any terms that aren't her own. I think deep down inside, and I really hope this is the case, you'd prefer her to overpower you with her womanly wiles because she's into you, not because you splurged for a taco. If not, I suggest you work it out with a GGW video, and a box of tissues.
~Melly


And now, English subtitles provided for clarity... this video is wrong on many, many levels....like, apparently persons of Hispanic descent are more likely to be lactose intolerant, I actually didn't know that... so California Milk Processing Board, um....fuck you for being ignorant, racist, and misogynist...Bruja-har-har.



Here's a pic from one of the 10 malls in the Dominican Republic currently advertising the Suzuki Swift as the panty dropper... While I'll acknowledge that there are women out there who would get all hot and bothered over a car... come on, a SUZUKI?? It's a glorified mini-van!! Hello, limiting much?? "Oh God, you mean the back seat compartment folds up? I can fit the kids bikes back there, AND take Sparky to the vet? Room for groceries AND my kayak? Oh my God, Oh my God, the trunk space is so...BIG! and gasp! there go my panties.." the original link is down, hopefully because it's o-fucking-ffensive, but remember, when you post something on the internets it's FOREVER.

And finally, wow...... dude, it takes a special man to cruise about town in this. Objectification doesn't get more blatant than The Bitchcruiser. For more in disembodied woman products consult here.